2012 - the funniest movie all year

[nonionay]

okay, okay, okay.
Keffy's going to write a magnificent post of joyous doom, ( he took notes. lots of notes) but I'm going to get mine up first, so it'll be quick.
First, you might want to wait until 2012 hits the small screen so you can MST the crap out of it. I almost hyperventilated not trying to laugh out loud. Second, there's a seizure-inducing lighting setup at the climax. WTF HOLLYWOOD?
anyway...
If you're a science fiction writer, you need to see 2012, because it is the greatest lesson on WHAT NOT TO DO. EVER. in science fiction.
This is high quality bad science. The highest I've ever seen. How high? As high as a boat getting smashed into the top of Mount Everest!
The blah blah emotional family plot is fine and standard and hits all the cliche notes except one which I was actually disappointed by, especially since that particular heroic sacrifice had a perfectly clear spot later in the movie.

It was good with the having lots of not white people, bad, bad bad with the not having a lack of sexism. Why the hell did they even have women in this movie? They only did any good when they were using their Magical Mother Rays to communicate. Oh yeah, the German Chancellor. She was worthwhile.

I'm sure someone somewhere will have fun breaking down the exact nature of the bad science somewhere. It would fill a couple volumes, though. I'll just hit my personal favorites behind the spoiler cut.



The first and best, I'll save for Keffy, because there are two words, which are now close to his heart, which he screamed over and over again on the ride home, and I don't want to deprive you of that.

I'll hit my specialty, geology.
Part 1: earthquakes
1) cracks do not open in the earth without earthquakes.
2) said earthquakes would generate tsunamis
3) if a tsunami starts in the deep ocean, you're hardly going to feel it, especially if you're on a ginormous cruise ship.
4) Tectonic plates, yo. They exist.
5) San Andreas fault = transverse fault. It ain't gonna dump stuff in the ocean. LA will be by Oakland, but that's that
6) "subterranean crust" is redundant.
7) there is no cement attaching the top bits of the earth to the core. That's right, the continents could right now be floating around out of control, sliding into one another! AGHHH!!!!
Part 2: volcanoes.
1) superheated gas. Faster than you. Will give even Woody Harrellson unpleasant burns.
2) ash clouds. air traffic hazard.
3) lava bombs the size of garden sheds will not plop softly on the ground like snowballs.
4) Africa: why the hell didn't it rip in two along the GIANT RIFT VALLEY when a tidal wave can sweep over one of the most geologically sound and landlocked areas in Asia?
5) Krakatoa lowered the temperature of the earth by a measurable amount. What the hell do you think the Yellowstone supervolcano plus however many other volcanoes is going to do to us?

Misc observations:
1) There are no e-books in the future.
2) dna and embryo banks? What the hell are those? We're just supposed to shove a few giraffes in the hold.
3) apparently "arcs" are only sea-based vessels. They were supposedly building spaceships, and I'm like, why aren't they building these clunky things in orbit? Turns out they weren't spaceships, they were arcs, which I initially thought was just the characters being obtuse, but no, they meant they were boats, not spaceships. I didn't realize this until the end, when they opened the deck doors, and I'm all, WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY DOING????? and there wasn't vacuum outside, but rather, water and fresh air (that you know, wasn't at all contaminated by volcanic ash and gases)

And finally, if this is how we are supposed to preserve humanity, then I despair for us. The lack of discipline on their "arcs" was monstrous. I thought it was a fricking spaceship the whole time, so when the guy's like, "we could fit ten people in this room." I was like, "AND WHERE ARE THE FOOD/OXYGEN STORES TO KEEP THEM ALIVE???" In truth, yes, you could cram ten people on there, and then eat them when you had to.
Truly, truly, a disaster to end all disasters.

Worst line: "Doesn't humanity deserve a chance to fight?"
WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY FIGHTING AGAINST???

That all said, camping in a limo was awesome. Also, the Chinese welder was totally hot.

Comments

[blackaire.livejournal.com]

Oh man, I saw this with a couple of friends and by the end, when everyone was dying horribly, we were screaming with laughter.

The odd thing was, that made it okay for a bunch of other sick fucks in the audience to also laugh, so by the time the Russian dude who sounds like Ron Perelman on Qualuudes falls to his death, half the theater was giggling hysterically.

[blackaire.livejournal.com]

And yeah, the Chinese welder was foxy. As was the Indian physicist.

[criada.livejournal.com]

There were other people in the audience laughing, but I don't any were laughing as hard as we were. Keffy did get annoyed, however, at the kids behind us who were making fun of the Russians. "Duh! Duh!" No, you idiots, they're speaking actual Russian!