my dysfunctional family

[nonionay]

My mother said we have to see eachother as people now, not as mother and daughter. It’s nice to think that she thinks that way, but I don’t hink she knows how. it’s hard, with my father, I can actually tell him anything, and it won’t hurt him, but mother can never know some things about me. It would tear her schizophrenic mind apart. Last night my dad wanted to talk, and was upset that I’d been spending so much time in front of the computer writing. I reminded him that before, I’d spend all my time in my room, and he couldn’t even say anything at all to me. This morning he apologized, and admitted i was right on that part, and I thanked him and gave him a hug. But with my dad sitting there, trying to get me to come into his lonely life, and my mother there babbling away, so close to lucidity, but not there yet, saying how she doesn’t love my father, and want to get away from him. Sitting there, i realized I HAVE A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY. I always used that word for extreme cases, well, I think I’ve got one. I feel so bad for my dad, but I don’t know what I can do about it. I once thought she loved him, but didn’t realize it, now, even I wonder. But she can’t live without him, and he loves her a lot, and would be truly lonely without her. christmas Eve I wept before a statue of Mary, mourning the loss of an ideal I never had. I have no regrets, I probably wouldn’t be near as strong as I am without my mother’s madness, and i cannot wish for what cannot be, and has already passed. I can no longer even wish for my mother’s death, since I know her loss would devastate my poor depressive father. I can only pray that I will not follow him down his noble and sacrificial path. he wants to get to know me, and wants me to get to know him, and it’s sad, but I just don’t want to know my dad on that level. I want him to stay the distant father. i think this is because by coming into his life, i come closer to my mother’s, something i want to avoid, though I know I can’t.
Please, oh please, let me find someone that is stronger than me, to help support me. Slavka, I suppose is the closest thing I have to that, and I am grateful to her, but I want more. I want my Knight in Shining Armor is what I want, who’ll take me off to live happily ever after. Whether that armor has breasts or a codpiece, I don’t care.

Comments

[spideri.livejournal.com]

lisa, your knight in shining armor will come, but make sure the knight in shining armor thing isnt a requirement, otherwise, you might miss it after all. i see what you mean about not wanting to get to know your dad on that level, it is hard changing a relationship that was based on parenthood/childhood for so long. and yes, you have a dysfunctional family, but you have become strong enough not to be swallowed by it, just like every heroine we've ever read about. you kick ass!