Year in Review

2011 was a hard year for me, and I don't really expect 2012 to be any less difficult.

I had a new job, a new place to live. My friendships grew closer and deeper. I got my drivers license and got in some travelling. I had a lot of realizations about my mental health that are for the better.

But I feel like I'm stuck. I'm a patient person, and believe that things will work out in time. I was raised with the paradigm of college, then job, then security. Well, I went from college, to (eventually) a job, but no security. I used to have a clear vision of my future, but that vision has been shattered. Looking around me, I realize that in an ideal world, I should be making a lot more money than I am. I screw up often enough at my crappy-paying job that I question my ability to hold a higher-paying job.
I'm trapped in a little vortex of low self-esteem and bad economics. I could cut loose and become a freelance artist, but I hate freelance work. I need security. I could live more cheaply by living with a roommate, but I'm too happy living alone for the first time in years. My life is a balancing act of lesser evils, and I feel guilty because my life is still so much better than many others'.

I kept hoping my writing career would take off, but it hasn't--partly because I'm too anxious to submit my novels. I don't feel like braving the rejection slog right now, and it's not like the pennies I'd get from selling my work would help much. I've developed other creative hobbies, which has been nice. My photography and painting and crafting has been a lot of fun, and I've made some stuff I can be proud of. But can I make money off them? I'm too scatterbrained for deadlines (see my above hatred of freelance)

I've lost almost all confidence in society and our government, and that's all that needs to be said on that topic.

And that's been my year. A roller coaster of joy and depression, self-hatred and self-confidence. I have a lovely present, but I can't see my future.

Ghost and Mrs Muir

I'm going to take a moment to wax pleasantly about The Ghost and Mrs Muir, which I found for cheap last night. This is one of those movies my mom and I bonded over when I was a kid. It's a film version of an old gothic romance, and hits all the right notes for me. It's got a strong woman (Mrs. Muir) and a dark and broody man (The Ghost). You can get all the creepy stalker fantasies of Twilight (He watches her do pretty much everything, since in fairness, it's not like he has anything else to do) without the wimpy women or implied violence. I suppose, in theory, The Ghost could inflict some emotional damage, but being non-corporeal, there's not much else he can do. And his rages just slide off Lucy like water on oilcloth. One of my favorite bits is when he's yelling at her for chopping down his monkey-puzzle tree. I love him for having a monkey tree, but I also love her for making the house hers. After all, he's dead, and if he doesn't like what she's doing to the house that is now hers, he can just move on. (This movie is also a good banner-carrier for the need to have a proper will. You never know when you're going to kick the gas-valve while you're sleeping.)

It's a romance, but at the same time, it's not. Their relationship is based entirely on friendship and learning to respect each other. He's too crotchety for any proper romantic scenes, and in any case, the movie actively subverts that sort of romanticism, basically saying that blunt honesty and mutual respect is better than fluffy condescension and kisses in a flower garden.